rebecca

"if you think i'm one of those people who try to be funny at breakfast, you're wrong."

-from rebecca, by daphne du maurier

19 before 20

yesterday, when my lovey alessandra came over, we made our lists!
this is a little list of my goals for the year...inspired by elsie

i'm very happy with my goals. and i've already done one of the big-uns! pictures later explaining which one!

it's christmaaaaaaaaas!

i hope everybody had a happy christmas!

in my family, we love christmas with all our hearts... we have ever so many traditions. in the morning when we wake up, there is wassail in the crockpot... we always watch these two amazing disney christmas song singalong videos, one from the 50's and one from '93. the '93 one is SO my favorite. Hip Hop Noel? oh my. it's just the best thing of the whole world. watch it watch it and you'll see.



so, for christmas, i gave my sister and brother-in-law this vintage scrapbook/photo album from the early 40's. i found it in a vintage store, and knew i had to give it to them immediately - it's full of a young army couple's pictures of them together, their family, their friends, and some pictures he obviously mailed to her from war-zones in britain- pictures of bombed roads and his army friends walking around deserted towns with bulletholes in the buildings. one of the better parts - there's a letter in it from one of the country cousins, and i got their address from it and found out that the couple lived just a few miles from my sister and her husband. it's just... amazingness.

little did i know.

for christmas she gave me a vintage '34 journal/scrapbook, of the writings and and friend's notes of one "Beulah", chronicling her high school adventures and graduation and friendships.
from the same vintage store. from the same day.

uh. what? we're ridiculous.

also for christmas, my sister got a typewriter!
so that evening i got mine out and typed our 2011 aspirations. we had a veritable stenographer's pool! we like to think we're rather like these ladies

so that's a bit of our christmas!

in which a few little skating chipmunks decorate a tree

tis time for our annual layne and claire skating fun time! i love my dear adorable friend.
last year we bunburried english accents the whole time, wore ugly sweaters, and knocked over small children by accident ( a whole string of them...)

this year we are much older and more mature. we didn't fall once!

while skating, we were talking about change - specifically how much we've both changed since last year. so much has happened to both of us in the last year, and we've grown from it. both the bad and the good, so much of each has happened. and looking back i can see how all of it has changed me as a person, expanded my views, given me perspective and depth of person. and i guess that's the key to things - a good and happy life can be lived with plenty of bad events in with the good ones, so long as you let the experiences be. just... let them be. there is no need to tease them or bother them, or to revel in their sadness.

i've been thinking about that song, "empty your hands". we should just empty our hands of the experiences that changed us, so that we can hold new, beautiful things to our lives. the song is all about how much of life's present you miss if your hands are full of past. it is so comforting, really, how much we can change, adjust, and keep going in a year. it gives so much hope that each year i will progress, and become a better one to live. it used to scare me so much to think that there was no knowing what i would be like, or what my life would be like in 5 years, or even one year, but i love that now, because i know that each year, each new lesson i learn, each person i meet- they are all a part of whatever this whole life thing is for me, and they're supposed to be there.

we decided last year that the hugenormous tree in the middle of the rink was flown in by eagles. this year we discovered that, in fact, it was! and the ornaments? put on by little christmas chipmunks who carried them in their cheeks and scurried up the tree en masse.

(note in above picture just exactly how life is. next to adorable layne, a poor fallen noun. and she, oblivious... unknowing... naive. ah yes... too soon, as the song goes, will she know the world so wild.)

Art, pt... 3?

here is one of my final works for the design class i was in this semester... an abstracted color self-portrait.

(it's my favorite from the semester)

A Very Classy Birthday Up In Here

my birthday and my mums birthday are right next to each other, so for my 19th and her 50th we had a little birthday collaboration! sister deary and i decided we should have a Very Classy Birthday, complete with champagne and candles and carla bruni and pearls. so on went the 60's type outfits and the back-seam hose, on with our jacqueline pearls and fancy prom dresses!

...i with my cupcake and she with her cake...

and a most joyous time was had by all.

as for my 20 before 20... unfortunately it has been temporarily lost due (i believe) in part to the dear puppy. however a new years list is forthcoming, and everything from the 20 list is on there.

i'm all about classiness these days... my "life and style" as those girls on the go would say has morphed into something rather 1960's new york art student from the upper classes of the mid-west. which makes me happy.

Happy Christmas!

(feeding them hungry reindeers)

finality

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

got my grades back.

WAY better than i anticipated in the whole art/design area (b+!). final gpa? 3.75. (i think, you know, it all depends on my ability to do math... so... you know...)

whoop and hoorah!

next semester? i'm gonna work so hard, it'll blow everyone's MINDS. just you wait, 'enry.

take a ride on the reading railroad!

oh how i love monopoly. it encapsulates all those wonderful mid-western "work your way to the top with perserverance" qualities i mentioned before. there's just such a feeling of accomplishment in going from having 1 dollar to having every piece of property on the board, hotels on all of them, loads of money, and a whole game-table full of people who are terrified to roll the dice for fear of paying rent to you.

oh dear heavens i'm turning into mr. potter what is wrong with me??

you gotta be kind to yourself

semester report! well not everything went as planned... i did really well all semester then at the very end my work for design class fell apart and thing got awful and dramatic and i worked for 36 hours without stopping, and...it was just...bad. anyway, as of thursday i am done for the year, so friday sister and i hopped in edie and popped over to memphis for a graduation and some much needed fun. i haven't really seen anyone since school started...so...ya know...hooray.

also a big part if it for me was a)needing to be around friends to get myself back to being myself, and b) needing a distraction from my scholarly identity crisis.

i feel as though who i am has been asleep for the last few months and i'm just waking up. it's mostly just because I've been busy and adjusting and stressed, but i think also never having a moment that was my own. so. this next semester i am going to actively try to make my life happier by making sure to listen to a happy cd every day, and to make sure to eat right, exercise and wake up early (i'm just happier when i do), and most importantly make sure that every day i make at least 10 minutes my own, by myself... even if it's just sitting drinking a cup of tea and looking out the window.

so. resolutions resolutions.

thanks to a grand old pal and his enheartening words of wisdom, my "i have no talent i'm terrible why do i even try" crisis is over... and i've moved on to the good old mid-western "get there through hard work and perserverance and grit" mindset i love so much. and i will (as against my true nature as it really is) try to stop beating my mind up for every mistake made and every failure and every little thing that wasn't the very best. sometimes we slip and fall, and i suppose thats what makes not falling so beautiful... but i'm going to start being kinder to myself.

art class!

hopefully i'm going to be getting my art projects from this semester back this week, so i'm going to try and post pictures of them... starting with the pieces i just turned in...

winne! i love you! (for those who don't know, i'm obsessed.) the point of this assignment was to replicate the subject of a photograph using different tones of only one hue. and i of course chose yellow. because it's a thing.

this definitely took 10 minutes, and most of it i did during an outside trip with puppy

...and this definitely should have taken longer, if it hadn't been 4 am and if i had had any motivation at all. and so it is horrible. it's crumpled paper. cause you can't tell.

took FOREVER. this was an exercise in paint mixing where on a 4x4 sheet we were supposed to mix all the colors we could with the colors we were given. win! the whole color spectrum. bam-o kablaam-o, i won the assignment.

walk on

yesterday when you were young
everything you needed done was done for you
now you do it on your own
but you find you're all alone, what can you do?

you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'cause you can't go back now

you know there will be days
when you're so tired
that you can't take another step
the night will have no stars
and you'll think you've gone as far
as you will ever get

aou and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'cause you can't go back now

and yeah, yeah, you go where you want to go
yeah, yeah, be what you want to be
if you ever turn around, you'll see me

i can't really say
why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
but in the end, the only steps that matter
are the ones you take all by yourself

you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
yeah, you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'cause you can't go back now
walk on, walk on, walk on
you can't go back now

the weepies

in other news

new phone!

cutie palm pixi, making my life soooooo much easier with its fanciness and email and calendars and gps and internet. good grief. love.

bisy bisy little spotted an herbacious baxsons

well well finals week!! aaah! i keep making new lists every few hours to make sure i'm getting everything done... feeling compusive urges now...can't...hold...it...back....

-performance analysis'? check.
-final papers turned in? check.
-ballet final? check
-voice performance? check check check.
-rhetoric final? check.
-psych exam? en la manana... but done studying!

still to do:

-self-portrait
-"flight" painting
-letter-grouping positive/negative experiment painting
-monochrome painting
-technical sketch set of crumpled paper
-technical color exercises, oh so many of them

almost there... just...4... more... days....
i'm alternating between extreme energy and extreme lack of motivation.

blërg.

new friend!

meet Piper Maude

she is adorable
she is 11 weeks old

and i'm pretty sure that, contrary to justin's opinion, she hates slides. SO much.

she loves tummy rubs and playing the first part of fetch (still hasn't quite grasped the "bringing the ball back" part)

she bounces (literally) around all jolly and fun, and she can see pixies because she's magic... she dreams of flying through elfin treehouse cities and bringing baskets of muffins to all her gnomely friends.

oh yes and she bit my camera.

guess whose height just got legit!

guess who else was 5'7?

yes you got it, the loveliest, classiest lady of them all... if i could have half of her class i'd be happy.

did i lose the will to fight? monday comes like tuesday...

my birthday is in a week. hoorah for new years, hooray for new chapters.

i'm working on a list of 20 before 20 for this upcoming year... i'll post it after my birthday... it's my little way of trying to make my life ... more. so that in a year i won't have to look back and calculate up what my year meant in terms of days and weeks and numbers, so that maybe i'll have tangible beauty to show, something lovely to define my days instead of just numbers.

a blue soul breaking in upon my pictures

"Will God or someone else give me the strength to breathe the breath of prayer and mourning into my paintings, the breath of prayer for redemption and resurrection?"

-Marc Chagall

This weekend I drove down to Baylor for the "Sacred Texts, Holy Images: Chagall and Roualt" exhibit. While walking through the exhibit I kept thinking about the creative process and how Chagall chose how to represent the concepts of the Bible... how he didn't just show what was literally happening in that moment in the Bible, he saw that there was more happening, and he found a beautiful way to convey the magic of the inexpressable. Chagall saw that there was so much more happening in the world than that which we can see - informed by his belief in Judaism, a religion of mystery and unknowingness and the possibility that the magic shroud veiling the Divine hides a presence greater than can fit in the everyday - and he found a way to paint that, which... augh... that's exactly why I'm doing all of this... if he can express the inexpressable, visually, and show exactly what was in his heart, then I ...have to... because it's possible... if that makes any sense. The image above is titled "promise to jerusalem"... it is about God always being present in our lives, as a mysterious something that is tangibly there but whose presence is still shrouded from us. This image and the one below have stuck in my mind and I can't get them out..

This one is of the moment of creation. It is impossible as an artist to disconnect yourself from the concept of artist and art as creator and creature, and this work says so much about how Chagall viewed himself in relation to his works. See how the creator and creature act as one figure on the page... they are entwined within eachother, each carrying a piece of the other in a sense. Chagall's art is so thoroughly full of him, it cannot escape being a part of him. and that is fantastically inspiring... makes me want to take my art classes even more seriously and really work to figure out my artistic identity.

"Life exists for the love of music or beautiful things."

-G.K.Chesterton

all this beauty, you might have to close your eyes

the best thing of the whole wide world happened last night

the weepies at lakewood theatre!

love love love love love

our "this is real, people, this is real!" faces

i may have sat there beaming with huge wide open eyes the whole time staring at the wonderfullness and just-what-i-want-to-be-ness that is deb talan.

oh my oh my its very odd when i listen to her older stuff (maybe obsessively every day maybe possibly) and she uses the same exact imagery that gets stuck in my brain and won't leave and finds its way into my drawings...very odd. like looking in a mirror that makes you cooler than you really are.

anyway! concert full of adorableness and amazing music and cute baby stories! yeep! i think i may have reached the pinnacle of possible happiness last night!

300 days of beatrice

this is heart of flame's
300th post.

anyway, i thought that was kind of cool.
i sure have said a lot of stuff.

oh by the way, i retract my last post. no. i amend it. registration IS confusing and awful, but it is made much better if you have an awesome advisor that tells you to email her the classes you want and she'll put you in them. whabam! WIN!

yarrgggggggggg

oh good grief.

class
enrollment
is
the
worst
ever.

it's confusing and awful.

YAAARRGGG!

it wouldn't be make believe

dress up party in the garage with mackenna and hayden!
dan and caitlin's old couch was stationed in the garage over the weekend, so of course that's where we hung out. cause we aren't whitetrash. at all.

yes that is a tissue paper bunny tail

yes those are my pajama pants under my costume.

yes i painted hayden's face with chalk to turn him into an oompah-loompah!!!!!

while we can hold on to someone, we know life won't let us go

love and love and love and love and love and love and love

congratulations to


andrew + stephanie!!

i love engagements! especially this one! no... all of them... no, this one!!

andrew is one of the best ones of the world... and that's all there is to it. it has been such a joy seeing him find the one to fill his crazy awesome heart. its still insane that its happening, i'm just a fringe observer/person-inordinately-obsessed-with-other-peoples-relationship-adorableness so i can't imagine how much it must be insane for the ones legitimately involved in this relationship!

(by the way, stephanie reminds me more of an elfin princess than anyone ever in the world... she's so ethereal and darling good grief the world is going to explode)

HAPPY WEDDING MARRIAGE LOVE DAYS!!!!!!

from station to station

woke up this morning in a very bowie/80's/the smiths mood... which of course means that mixed denims, big hair, and a leather jacket were completely necessary.

my best attempts at the hair band look (as best i could portray from webcam-in-classroom):

sometimes i think i should give into the many signs telling me that i was meant to live in the 80's.

1) my hair obviously WANTS to be in the 80's
2) my adoration of all things molly ringwald/john hughes/brat pack
3) 80's british awesomeness that is all
4) hello, the smiths
5) legit arcade games (original pac-man, please and thank you)
6) the fact that the science of 80's sci-fi movies always makes total sense to me and never seems ridiculous in the slightest.
7) the karate kid!!
8) slap bracelets, off-the-shoulder-chunky-sweaters, wayfarers, nerd glasses, legwarmers, keds
9) moonwalk!!

ah oh well. there were bad things too i guess.
like drugs. and ...the cold war.

fine i won't rent marty's delorean and go back in time and form a cool garage band. bluh.

never fails to make my day

a few weeks ago this song came on the radio as i was driving to school.
instantly, my day was perfect. i could just see the incomparable joseph gordon-levitt doing his adorable happy dance with animated bluebirds... ah, life. oh yes.

500 days, i love you
JGL, if you're ever looking for a blonde with slightly-larger-than-normal-feet and a gnome collection... i'm your girl
zooey? there are no words. xoxo

grown-up, pt. 1

i feel so all-grown-ed-up tonight

i gave hayden a real honest to goodness haircut tonight

for dinner tonight? spinach salad with homemade vinaigrette, mozzerella, and soft-boiled eggs
and a glass of water. my fifth of the day. yeah! (also, i'm contemplating vitamins tonight)

man.

happy birthdays to you

today is the day the longest and most delightful friendship i have ever experienced became possible. it's Emily's birthday!

this girl is witty, sweet, opinionated, beautiful, rainboots-full-of-fun, charming, the best all-my-whole-entire-life friend i could hope for.

we met in mothers day out when we were babies, where we were the victims of hate crime. the hate crime being that all the other kids hated me. but emily was my friend. which made them hate me even more... because she was super duper adorable and they all wanted to be friends with her. but she stuck with me... making us the female shawn spencer and burton guster of our generation.

through many an easy cheese heist, dress-up party (no, i don't mean when we were little), ballet classes together, the world's most terrifying playground, high school football games, prom, being stalked (her, not me. always her), being heartbroken, doing the entire thriller dance at work before remembering the security camera, pretend funerals, real funerals... through thick and thin... we'll be there.

"Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there
Wherever there are masks
Wherever there is tomfoolery or joy
I'm there
But sometimes I'm not, 'cause I'm out in the night staying vigilant
Watching, lurking
Running, jumping, hurtling
Sleeping-- no, I can't sleep, you sleep
I'm awake, I don't sleep, I don't blink
Am I a bird? No. I'm a bat
I am Batman
Or am I?
Yes, I am Batman"

(abed - community)

(photos are mine, from a senior picture shoot)

win

my friend anna just sent me this amazing link.

WAIT

go go go. it's amazing. but follow these simple instructions.

open the link. dramatic pause. say something epic ("one small step ... mankind", "You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. Set the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen." you get the idea.).

then... click the button.


INCEPTION'D!

a week of trying trying trying

in twilight and blindness
all our work is done
we fumble and flail, we try and we fail,
we only are what we almost become

it’s both our curse and our grace, here in this place
to reach for heights that we’ll never climb
and the distance between the drop and the dream
is our one little piece of the divine

it’s a weak little flame, it’s all we got to our name
so why be ashamed to let it burn

(the drop and the dream - kris delmhorst)

wednesday wish list

...if only...

the young collegiate

all of my time recently has been filled with papers, reading

midterms, pie, reading, not doing laundry (yikes)

and completing 10 major art projects.

and did i mention midterms? seriously. you college graduates couldn't have warned me more? really? not ok. i'm making it my life purpose to warn all incoming freshman.

but c'est la vie. they're over... and now i've got about a week of almost no homework, and i'm filling it with lovely things.

my schedule?
monday- sleep til class, master the microfiche scanner, dinner at zuzu's (family tradition restaurant from when we were little) and massive pie-making (5!) with emily

tuesday- school school school
wednesday- advising meeting, class class class... SUFJAN STEVENS CONCERT!!!
thursday- class class, visit the central market cheese festival with anna (friend from school)
friday- class, cinderella ballet with caitlin and hayden
saturday- cvc's willy wonka (go travis and daniel!), then ice cream with mackenna and summer (old friends from theatre and high school)

yup. best week of the world.

things that make me happy today

1 - spending my afternoon break watching "enter the dragon" with hayden and eating peanut butter and jelly from a spoon

2- watching some super dumb frat boys paint the spirit rock with loads of exuberance.

3-the green hall juice vending machine. seriously? it's like a robot. its SO STINKING AWESOME. it doesn't just drop your juice bottle... it removes it from the shelf with a pulley system and puts it in the thing you get them out of with a robotic arm. oh my goodness.

4- watching happy old couples holding hands to go into the university theatre together for the arthur miller play.

something that doesn't make me happy today: sitting out in the courtyard of jonsson waiting for hayden to get out of his dumb chem lab. bah. hurry up!! i'm not impatient i'm just tired of waiting!!

He is there

God is in my life... so so very in my life.

i don't believe that God ordains every tiny minute detail of my life... but i am a firm believer in His involvement and control over the things in my life. i believe in it as a kind of fate... God puts certain people in your life at key times, that is fate...

i'm not the best about prayer. i don't pray as much as i should or the way that i should... but i try, and when i do the results are wondrous. i pray when i can't find my car keys... when i'm late for class... when that scary 18-wheeler starts coming over into my lane alongside my tiny tiny car (yes, mr mac or moe or whatever you're called, two of my cars can fit in one normal sized lane. but you barely fit in yours! so... sorry. but lane-sharing c'est ne'existe pas.) i pray for the small things, if for no other reason than that praying for small things renews my excitement to serve a God who is active and present in my life, who cares about the details.

hurricane earl

a few weeks ago hurricane earl hit texas
...it was a fail. a major, major fail.

no trees blown down, no school cancelled, no flooding, no school cancelled.
all that happened was some horrid ridiculous ginormously ridiculous rain
and by rain... i mean buckets of rain being thrown at campus with force from every possible direction at once, making my walk from the back of parking lot b all the way across to west campus RIDICULOUS, textbook ruining, clothes-soaking (try sitting in all your air-conditioned classes soaked to the bone and shivering and see if you can concentrate!)

when i finally got home it was soooo nice to touch dry things, cause everything, inside and outside, on campus was soaking wet all day. oh dry pants. i love you.

(the above is a picture taken as i sat in my car debating whether getting out of the car and going to class was actually worth it. i decided yes. bad decision!!! make good choices people!!)